It’s been a few months since my last post but I finally decided what to write about and I’m just going to go for it. It’s not a specific topic, but more an area I’ve wanted to address for awhile (and have been too scared to discuss)…
I’m going to write some honest, strong, possibly difficult words, but I can’t be too intimidated to put my true feelings out there. After all, isn’t that the point of a blog? And this post is going to be more about me than my son. But I promise, there’s point in here.
First of all, I absolutely love my life and am grateful for everything I have. My son is healthy and happy, and what more can anyone ask for? But honestly, there are days where I get sad. I’m not talking about crying or allowing my day to be dictated by my sadness, but there are moments where something happens and I feel sad. Someone will post on one of the mom pages I follow about how they are concerned their 17 month old isn’t talking yet or how their 2 year old isn’t potty trained yet, and I get sad. I don’t want to feel that way and I tried my best not to dwell on those types of things, but I realized something—I don’t have to be made of armor all the time. I told myself for so long it wasn’t ok to get sad, and I drove myself crazy. As a special needs parent, you want to put on this mask that says “Nothing can penetrate these walls, and I can handle anything!”, but it’s not realistic. Once I allowed myself to feel the way I needed to in those moments, I became less overwhelmed and less reliant on others to make up for the emotions I wasn’t experiencing.
So why do I continue to follow the pages that make me feel this way? Because honestly, it makes me stronger. I never knew I could overcome so much loss of control in my life, but I do everyday. These posts are from parents who are reaching out for help and who knows, maybe I’ll have insight for some of them. And there have been few times where I have asked “Why Elijah?” and those few times ended abruptly with, “I couldn’t imagine him any other way.” He’s truly an amazing person. Yes, it’s a difficult life but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
So yeah, there may be times I experience moments of sadness (and all parents are entitled to that feeling!) but I’ll never dwell on it. Of course, I wish my son would start having a conversation with me. But that’s just not our reality right now. I have hope of it happening one day, but we just take it one day at a time. If you ever wanted to really understand the phrase “Different, not less.” then I hope maybe this puts it into perspective.
Thanks for reading!